1+1=1

I was 23 years old when I got married.  It was NOT due to pregnancy, pressure, or lust.  I had been dating my wife since I was 15 years old and in our almost 8 years together we had managed to navigate 4 years of separation due to college and another 2 years of separation as we began our careers in different states.  So when we promised to love for better or worse on a hot summer day at the Baltimore Zoo I was not at all hesitant.  We had love, we are both smart, hard working and the world was about to be our oyster.  One day however, the glow of the wedding started to fade and realities of marriage began to set in.

I had heard stories and accounts of women who wanted to change and mold men to their liking.  I came into marriage a video game obsessed NFL junkie and no dame with great gams was going to change me.  So when I got married I never broke my routine.  We had two cars so I went where I wanted and I figured she'd go where she pleased.  I parked my butt on the couch when I came home from work, and I did as I pleased.  At the time I was happy, almost boastful to think that I had managed to get married and totally maintain my individuality.  What made matters worse was that I honestly thought my wife was as happy with this arrangement.  So when first expressed unhappiness to me, I was floored.

Genesis 2:24 says that a man shall leave his mother and father, cling to his wife and they shall be one flesh.  Jesus repeats this in Mark 10:8 when he emphasizes that the two become one.  I always took this passage to mean that a husband and wife should be close.  I read it as hyperbole for two people that are very tight.  These verses however don't speak of two very close individuals.  This speaks of two people forming an entirely new entity.  When the bible says one flesh it speaks not only of inseparable, but indistinguishable.  From Adam's rib God made Eve according to Genesis 2.  So Eve was not just Adam's wife, but she was from him.  They had the same flesh.  In Mark 10:9 Jesus tells us that the same God that separated woman from man, when we are married, joins the two together and are not to be torn apart.

I still play my PS4, and have not missed a Ravens game on TV in years.  My wife enjoys her time on the computer.  With five kids, there is a lot less of that me time to go around.  But coming home to a woman I am happy to see, who is also happy to see me is far more valuable than those things I was determined to hold on to.  

Church Ruined Their Marriage

"He was my soul mate", she says with voice quivering.  Mary (not her real name) lifts her horn rimmed glasses to wipe away a tear before it has a chance to fully form.  Mary is a boisterous Latino woman who wears her emotions on her sleeve.  Mary is also recently widowed and she is not ashamed to admit that she is not quite ready to let her husband go.  "I still say hello to him as soon as I walk in the door...and I pray with him every morning."  Mary tells a story of a recent blind date arranged by her friends and family.  "He was handsome", she starts, "and very interesting.  But before we ordered dinner I had to ask him to take me home.  I was trying to go through with it, but when his hand brushed against mine I realized that I was not ready for this."

As her normally strong voice returns she continues to describe a marriage whose roots were first planted in the Bronx when she, at 13, attempted to set her future husband up with one of her girlfriends.  "I was blessed to have him.  I know I was blessed to have him.  We were married for a long time, and together even longer, but it was never just about passing time.  I know what those marriages look like.  My parents have been married for 57 years but they sleep in separate bedrooms in a 2 bedroom apartment."

Mary's voice begins to change as she tells me of her parents.  "My father is a good Christian man-- a good Christian man.  I watched him love my mother, but things changed once she joined this Pentecostal Church.  She gave so much to the church, but neglected everything else.  My father has promised that he will take care of my mother, and has admitted that he loves her, but no longer loves her like a husband and wife...That Church ruined their marriage."

As odd as it was, this was not the first time I heard that sentiment expressed.  +Mark Stevens tells a story of a church lady who was having issues with her husband.  Despite her issues at home, this woman could always be found either at the church or at the house of the pastor preparing food for him and his family.  As the story went, Mark saw her at the pastor's house preparing a meal and told her, "Go home and be with your husband."

Even odder still was the fact that this would not be the last time this idea of church dedication would come up for me that day.  THAT DAY.  Less than an hour after leaving Mary's office a friend e-mailed me the story of Karen Root.  Karen Root was on a missionary trip with her husband when she found out that he was a pedophile.  As if finding out that you are married to a pedophile missionary were not bad enough, Karen's church compounded the issue by refusing to heed her warnings about her husband and denying the annulment she subsequently requested along with not accepting the resignation she tendered.  (Click here to read Karen's story)

What was troubling to me was the language the church used in communicating with Karen; specifically:

We have been perplexed by your decision to file for an annulment of your marriage without first abiding by your covenant obligations to submit to the care and direction of your elders. As I mentioned in my first letter, this decision violates your covenant with us - and places you under discipline. Per section 10.5 of The Village Church bylaws, you are prohibited from voluntarily resigning membership while subject to the formal disciplinary process. We cannot, therefore, accept your resignation

Are we really in covenant with our local assembly?  Is there really indenture?  Should there be?  What are your thoughts?

2014

So I resolved to post atleast one blog post a month for 2014.  I was faithful in that until life happened.

After a hectic period of time which included a move, I considered coming back to the blog, but decided against it.  My blog posts and sermons; my messages in general.  I hoped for them to be more effective.  I had no interest in speaking into the wind.  I wanted more than to speak to an unidentified audience.    

Instead of speaking I decided to be quiet and spend time learning.  I decided to spend some time studying leaders.  I  read books, essays, and opinions on subjects ranging from Reverend Ralph Abernathy to Florida State legend Bobby Bowden.  I spent some time traveling and talking to people.  More importantly, I spent time listening to people.  I stopped focusing on what I want to tell people, and started asking what people need to hear.  

I kept reading.  I read the words of Martin Luther King Jr. as he talked about a need to speak because silence was a betrayal.  I read from different leaders their strategies for approaching difficult but needed conversations.  I attempted to understand how to best lead and how to not take failure personally.  

I continue to read.  While I read I attempt to craft what needs to be said, and how it needs to be presented.  I look for the words to speak to a country divided by racial, political, social, and economic lines.  I search for the best way to speak to the focus the Church has lost; the focus it needs to regain.  I consider the outcome I desire from speaking and suddenly committing to a number of blog posts or an artificially imposed quota loses all meaning.  

I say all that to say that I did not forget about my pledge to write 12 blog posts in 2014; I outgrew the commitment.