House of Blues

These are pictures of my cubicle:

Not a metaphoric or symbolic cubicle.  Not an internet pic that looks like my cubicle.  But my cubicle.

Yup, that's my inbox, the honey for my green tea, my cereal bowl and my pile of work that has overflown onto the....

floor.  It's where I sit when I dream of muttering TGIF.  It's the location I try to forget on weekends and PTO days...and on a Saturday in January of 2012 this is where I lost it for one moment in time.


In October of 2011 I started actively looking to redirect my career path.  It seemed that my career had peaked.  There were other practical options, but my dedication to my occupation wasn't strong enough to endure additional certifications or student loans.  I wasn't committed enough to envision myself voluntarily submitting to cramming sessions, term papers, deadlines and group projects.  I didn't want to advance in my current field, I wanted to find a new one; and I had a specific position in mind.  All I needed was to get my foot in the door.  I filled out my application, sent in my resume and I waited....

I took to prayer because "The prayers of the righteous availeth much." James 5:6

I confessed my sins and attempted to put my best foot forward because "If I had cherished sin in my heart the Lord would not have listened" Psalm 66:18

I waited patiently.  I waited for a call that never came.  I waited to wedge my foot in a door that was never opened.  I waited for a door that was not opened unto me.  I waited until what I dreaded became a reality.  I had done what I could, but January had come.  January, in my profession, comes with promises of seventy hour work weeks..  January had come with it's guarantee of repetitive time consuming tasks.  January was smothering me and despite my best efforts to land in Joppa, January had me in Ninevah sitting in that cubicle.

Everyday in that cubicle became more than a 15 hour work day.  Everyday in that cubicle was a reminder that the God that answers prayer had ignored mine.  Everyday in that cube was the torture of feeling as though I had wasted another of the days allotted to me on this earth.  Everyday in that box was a day living in agony that God didn't love me enough to provide me with a sense of purpose.  I didn't want a winning lottery ticket or a get out of work free card.  I didn't want to be the boss or to have people answering to me.  All I wanted was an end to the seemingly endless stream of what felt like wasted days.  In my mind, those days had no value, and with 5 of every 7 days of my life having no value I had no value.  My Mom would call that a pity party and I was the guest of honor.

When I left for work at 5:00 am on Saturday January 28, 2012, my heart was burdened.  Whenever I have to work on Saturday I attempt to arrive by 5:30.  By doing that, most Saturdays I am able to meet my work obligations by noon and return home before my children have shed their Friday night pajamas.  I didn't think that would be the case this Saturday.  I knew that my day would consist of no less than 12 hours of work so when early morning snow showers caused an accident; I knew that my family wouldn't see me much that day.  Still, I arrived at approximately 6:30 and sat down to work.

Coworkers started pouring in around 8 am.

Supervisors arrived closer to 10.

Noon came, the time when I look to pack up and escape from work for 36 hours...but I wasn't packing it up.  Life was pouring it on.

Around 3:00 pm coworkers called it a day.  The bosses stayed until 6.

Here I was, 12 hours into my day alone in my cubicle trying to make sense of both the piles of paper accumulated on my desk and the status of my life; sacrificing time with my family for time alone in an office I desperately wanted to escape from.

7:00 pm still working.  I blared gospel music from my Ipod hoping that God would give me a "Beautiful Mind" moment where He would finally let me see the picture the mosaic of paper formed on my desk.

8:00 pm, I stop wanting the right answers and I just want answers.

9:00

At 10:00 pm I didn't care.  I no longer wanted answers only deliverance.  I began crafting an e-mail detailing all the breakdowns that led to me working a 90 hour week.  I scrapped that e-mail early in favor of one that simply read, "I quit."  I looked at the picture of my children on my desk; my inspiration to push through whatever arises in my life.  I couldn't quit, yet I couldn't succeed.  Anger gripped me as I felt both helpless and forsaken.  If only it was me in that accident that morning; then my life insurance policy would cement me as a provider but I wouldn't have to deal with this.

I tried to push through, but the mosaic's picture became more murky with each pass.  At 11:00pm I decided I was done.  I had just spent the better part of 17 hours attempting to finish an assignment that was a day past due.  Additionally, I had no intention of working on Sunday.  I e-mailed my supervisors.  "I've done all I can.  I'll look at this again on Monday."  I shut my computer down and drove home; expecting that Monday would come with news of my termination.  That was okay with me because I didn't care why I left, I just wanted to leave.  

I was never asked to leave.  I was never forced to leave.  I was never given other opportunities.  No doors have been opened, and I battle constantly with the self perceived notion that I've wasted the last six years.

So why write a blog entry about that?  There's no resolution, no happy ending.  How can this blog entry possibly encourage anyone?  To be encouraged you have to read carefully what I said I do.

I battle.  While I'm not sure about my professional life, I have clear cut responsibilities in the other facets of my life.   In the midst of sulking over the void I perceive in my professional life I was failing as a husband, as a father, a son, a friend, a brother and a Christian.

In 1 Samuel 15 God rejects Saul as king because of Saul's disobedience.  While Samuel is obedient in relaying God's message, Samuel is disappointed that Saul, his long time advisee, was no longer going to be king.  Simply put, Samuel was upset that that things weren't going the way he wanted them to.  In 1 Samuel 16 God asks Samuel a direct question.

HOW LONG WILL YOU MOURN!!!!!!

God is telling Samuel to get himself together because he has work for him to do.  Maybe you're like me, utterly frustrated and exhausted with one facet of your life.  Maybe you're frustrated with more than one facet of your life.  However things may be, residing in a "House of Blues" can cause you to fail in all aspects of life.

As for the troubling facets of your own life, I have no answer.  I wish it were as simple as "speaking peace or purpose into your life."  I have no answer because I am still battling.  What I can tell you is that your worry conflicts with your understanding God's sovereignty.  Easier said than done, but the only thing I can tell you is to continue to trust God.

Samuel trusted God, even though he died before seeing David ever take the throne.  When Samuel dies, Saul is still the King.  Oddly enough, David, despite being one of the major characters and authors of the bible, has no books named after him.  The life and death of David are chronicled in the book of 2 Samuel, a book that begins after Samuel's death.  Why does a book that begins after the death of Samuel bear his name?  Maybe because he was able to trade in his blues for belief...belief in God's sovereignty.

Watch....In!?

AW Tozer once said, "A third of bible vocabulary would be absent if we lived in a sinless world."  Because of sin in this world, God has warned us to watch out, as discussed in a previous blog entry.  Watch out for thieves, deceivers, false teachers, division, destruction, greed, and many other things.  God instructs us to look out for the snares, and trappings of this world so that we will be useful to Him.  He tells us to watch out for things that we'll have to encounter on a regular basis.  But God doesn't only tell us to watch out; he instructs us to watch in....

No one has ever mistaken me for Bob Villa.  Most of my attempts at home improvement end with a professional muttering to himself after repairing my attempts at home improvement.  Even with my limited skills, one thing I can do is demolish.  Recently, I demolished my kitchen and the floors on the first level of my house.  Before starting the job, I went to Home Depot and bought a bevy of new tools including a new hammer.  After a few days of effort and a few buckets of sweat I looked around and saw floors, cabinets, walls, and counters that had been destroyed.  I also saw in my hand a hammer that bore the marks of smashing, chopping, wedging, and well more smashing.

My hammer, while still useful, was no longer new.  It was no longer emerald blue with a pristine shine.  There was no luster to speak of.  My hammer, shown above, bore the scrapes and scars to accentuate the stories I told regarding the kitchen demolition.  My point is that useful tools are often scratched, scraped, dented, and well, ugly.  To me however, that hammer is sturdy, and dependable.  In it's current state, it is worth more to me than the $34 I originally paid for it.  

Much like my hammer, battle tested Christians bear the marks, scrapes, scars and dents associated with God's use.  Much like my hammer, battle tested Christians can be seen by God as dependable, sturdy, reliable, and valuable.  The difference between the Christian and the hammer is the human element.  Pain, fear, hesitation, fatigue; none of these factors have to be considered when wielding a hammer.  With Christians however, our battle scars are far deeper than scratches on a metal surface.  Our scars can affect us.  They can affect our walk, they can affect our attitudes, and they can affect our usefulness.  Our scars can cause us to hesitate or even resist when God sees fit to use us.  Even with our Spiritual armor, God prompts us in scripture to examine ourselves.

Let a man examine himself

In I Corinthians 11:28 Paul exhorts Christians, stating that each man should examine himself before partaking in communion.  When we examine ourselves before communion what should we be looking for?  In order to really understand this, I think we have to forget the image of the Lord's Supper being a morsel of cracker and swig of Welches Grape Juice.  In actuality, this was a meal, patterned after Jesus' last meal.  What this had become to the Christians in Corinth was an opportunity for the fat to get fatter.  It was an occasion in which the different divisions kept to themselves.  In this passage Paul is telling the Corinthians to examine themselves before eating for divisive spirits and greed.  

Communion in Corinth had become the opposite of what Jesus ever intended.  We see from Paul's letters that some were getting stuffed and drunk while others went hungry.  That would appear to contradict Jesus' edict on banquet etiquette.  Moreover, in John's account of the Last Supper, Jesus got up to wash the feet of his disciples and instructed them to wash the feet of others.  

The humble path is not an easy one to walk.  Most times in life, it seems easier to fight pride with hubris.  Pride and hubris often lead to feelings of entitlement, which often leads to division.  Our pride, our greed, and any sense of entitlement we may have are factors that work in directly oppose our ability to give all glory to God.  In addition, pride does not allow us to keep focus on God when we are called to suffer for his namesake.  

We as people often mistake humility for weakness.  Like my trusty hammer, our humility in God's hands can be used to knock down and destroy the lofty and prideful.  Humility puts us in a position where we can be exalted by God; glorified in a way that is not fleeting.  Sitting at the table prepared for us in the presence of our enemies is rarely an easy assignment.  Examine yourself for pride and feelings of entitlement that may manifest itself through division, greed or anything else that opposes unity. 

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves

We are to examine ourselves that we can know that we are righteous even when it appears that we are clouted in failure.  Paul tells us that we can do nothing against Truth but do things for Truth.  Paul tells us that only a Spirit of God testifies that Christ in the flesh is God.  We should be testing ourselves to ensure that our words and our deeds testify to that fact.  

In order to pass this examination, we must live a life that shows that we belong both to the Son and Father who sent him.  We are not allowed to pick and choose the portions of the bible that we wish to accept.  Either the bible is true or it is not.  Either God is fully sovereign or He isn't.  The most valuable thing we can share is our testimony.  We need to keep and cherish our testimony as a record of our lives that brings honor to God.  We need to examine ourselves to and test our faith to show that Christ is real and is able to keep us.

As dependable tools of God we need to be sure that we are always ready and willing to do his work.  We need to be ready, in season and out of season to be an ambassador of God.