Artificial Christianity

Seven months ago I wrote a blog entry titled "House of Blues."  To fully understand this post I recommend that you skim that post.  "House of Blues" detailed ongoing frustrations I was having dealing with my job and how it fit into my life.  Shortly after that post my employer created a supervisory position that, if I landed , would be a promotion.  Knowing this, I applied for the position.  I was overjoyed to find out that I was the only internal candidate.  I put my best foot forward. I was more driven than I had been in years.  As I interviewed with management and employee panels, I was told by various people that I had made some good impressions and that it looked as though the promotion was imminent.  Given the positive feedback I nearly jumped out of my shoes when my new prospective boss called me on a day off; but I sank even faster when she told me that I did not get the job.  She went on to explain her thought process, but I didn't hear anything she was saying.  I ended the conversation as dejected professionally as I've ever been.  What made the outlook worse was that I learned of my rejection on December 21 which meant that I would be spending another January in my current position; working 12-15  hour days in a job I hated.

Attempting to avoid the spiritual slide that all too often follows disappointment in my life I turned to church.  At no point in my life has the difference between church and Christianity been more evident.  I listened to gospel songs that told me to "speak miracles into my life."  I heard preaching that offered entertainment, but no balm for my wounded soul.  I was almost enraged at the empty promises and ungodly prophecies being spouted.  I was angered at the false hope being given and the absolute disregard for scripture.  Hebrews 2:10 tells us that God saw it fitting that Christ be made the PERFECT captain of our salvation through suffering.  If God sees it fitting to put Christ through suffering for His purpose, why are there so many songs and sermons dismissing our suffering; or making light of them.

In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul says that he delights in his weakness, persecutions and distress.  He doesn't say he speaks to them.  He doesn't say that he dismisses them.  He delights in them because he understands that through these weaknesses, infirmities, persecutions and distress; through him being an imperfect vessel God can put His perfecting power on display.  Don't misread Paul's statement.  These trying times don't cease to exist.  They don't become fun or happy times.  God posses the power to turn our sadness into joy, but for us to attempt to do that is only an attempt to delude ourselves.

Eventually I began to slide into the spiritual funk I attempted to avoid.  I once again felt hopeless and worthless.  Put simply, I was broken.

One night I sat in my living room reading a comic book.  While I was reading my wife was watching a BET gospel awards show.  Again my ears were bombarded with artists beckoning me to speak my miracle into my life.  With my book in hand I ignored the show until Tamala Mann hit the stage with her song "Take me to the King"

I had heard this song enough to have each work memorized, but at this moment each word had meaning.  I was broken.  I was in pieces and I had been trying so hard to fix me.  I was trying so hard to hold myself together and it was not working.  Even after she finished singing her words echoed in my head.  "My heart is torn to pieces...it's my offering".  The words of her song combined in my heart with the words of Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God thou wilt not despise.  Immediately I began to pray.  Instead of trying to fix me I simply offered God the pieces.  I asked Him to do with those pieces what he saw fit to do.  At that moment I felt different.  For the first time in years I felt whole.  I couldn't wait until the morning to talk to my wife and my friends and everyone who had been praying along with me for years.  I had no idea what the future held, but I felt ready for it.

A few weeks after giving God my broken pieces I landed a new job that I am very excited about.  I pray earnestly that I will remember what God has bought me from; and keep perspective.  I also pray that if I do again find myself broken; that I don't hesitate to surrender the pieces.