"He was my soul mate", she says with voice quivering. Mary (not her real name) lifts her horn rimmed glasses to wipe away a tear before it has a chance to fully form. Mary is a boisterous Latino woman who wears her emotions on her sleeve. Mary is also recently widowed and she is not ashamed to admit that she is not quite ready to let her husband go. "I still say hello to him as soon as I walk in the door...and I pray with him every morning." Mary tells a story of a recent blind date arranged by her friends and family. "He was handsome", she starts, "and very interesting. But before we ordered dinner I had to ask him to take me home. I was trying to go through with it, but when his hand brushed against mine I realized that I was not ready for this."
As her normally strong voice returns she continues to describe a marriage whose roots were first planted in the Bronx when she, at 13, attempted to set her future husband up with one of her girlfriends. "I was blessed to have him. I know I was blessed to have him. We were married for a long time, and together even longer, but it was never just about passing time. I know what those marriages look like. My parents have been married for 57 years but they sleep in separate bedrooms in a 2 bedroom apartment."
Mary's voice begins to change as she tells me of her parents. "My father is a good Christian man-- a good Christian man. I watched him love my mother, but things changed once she joined this Pentecostal Church. She gave so much to the church, but neglected everything else. My father has promised that he will take care of my mother, and has admitted that he loves her, but no longer loves her like a husband and wife...That Church ruined their marriage."
As odd as it was, this was not the first time I heard that sentiment expressed. +Mark Stevens tells a story of a church lady who was having issues with her husband. Despite her issues at home, this woman could always be found either at the church or at the house of the pastor preparing food for him and his family. As the story went, Mark saw her at the pastor's house preparing a meal and told her, "Go home and be with your husband."
Even odder still was the fact that this would not be the last time this idea of church dedication would come up for me that day. THAT DAY. Less than an hour after leaving Mary's office a friend e-mailed me the story of Karen Root. Karen Root was on a missionary trip with her husband when she found out that he was a pedophile. As if finding out that you are married to a pedophile missionary were not bad enough, Karen's church compounded the issue by refusing to heed her warnings about her husband and denying the annulment she subsequently requested along with not accepting the resignation she tendered. (Click here to read Karen's story)
What was troubling to me was the language the church used in communicating with Karen; specifically:
We have been perplexed by your decision to file for an annulment of your marriage without first abiding by your covenant obligations to submit to the care and direction of your elders. As I mentioned in my first letter, this decision violates your covenant with us - and places you under discipline. Per section 10.5 of The Village Church bylaws, you are prohibited from voluntarily resigning membership while subject to the formal disciplinary process. We cannot, therefore, accept your resignation
Are we really in covenant with our local assembly? Is there really indenture? Should there be? What are your thoughts?
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